Thursday, February 19, 2009
Nothing can ever compare to coming home.
There is just something about being in the area you grew up, with the people you shared the most important years of your life-childhood. There is something that brings back youthfulness and a childlike excitement when I come to Colorado.
Everything around me is just comfortable...it's a feeling that I can't get anywhere besides my hometown.
I know the streets.
I know the buildings.
The best places to eat.
I know the people.
I can't even go into the supermarket without seeing someone I know from when I was growing up.
I guess you never realise what you had until it's gone. I've missed the small town atmosphere. I've missed seeing land and cattle and horses at every corner.
I'm so happy to be back. I can't even think about going back to school right now, because Colorado brings me bliss. I don't know how to really explain it. It's so relaxing, fun, and comforting all at the same time.
Plus, I've missed my dad. As I mentioned, I'm a bit of a daddy's girl. I like how close we have become over the years. We're a lot a like-which is both a blessing and a curse. We're going skiing tomorrow, which is always fun. He skis faster then I do and at times I guess I should be a little embarrassed by that.
I've also missed all the people I grew up with. When we're reunited, it's like I never left. It's all the same. We go back to having the time of our lives. Remising with them is something I could do for hours and hours and never tire. There were so many fun, rough, and crazy stories that shaped each of us-stories that entagled our lives and made our friendships stronger. I will never lose the close bond I have with the people I grew up with. We share something so powerful, I know it can never break. It's the ties of childhood-the experiences of growing up.
Oh gosh, it's good to be home.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I read this quote once that said 'if it weren't for procrastination, I wouldn't get anything done'
This quote is so me. I have to admit, I'm the worst at procrastinating.
Isn't it strange that we find anything else to do other then the thing that actually needs done?
I've been procrastinating on school work every since I can remember. If I have a paper due or a test on a certain day, I tend to wait until the very last second to start studying/writing.
Is it because I enjoy the anticipation? The "rush" of getting something in before the time it's due?
Is it because I'm just lazy and would rather facebook/blog?
For example, I have an anthropology test tomorrow, yet here I am blogging about my procrastination....funny...ironic I guess...
Ugh. I need to cure this. I need to get super motivated weeks before assignments are due or tests approach.
I guess I justify it by getting a good grade on every test I've studied for or paper I have written at the last second. It's never really resulted in me failing. I did fail one class last semester-math. But that's because I only went the first month of math class, realized I would never catch up, and pretty much gave up. In all my other classes I never got below a B and it was all done with procrastination.
I guess I just have to force myself to stop this laziness. To realize that hey...maybe if I study sooner rather then later I wont get so anxious, stressed, etc. I'll be completely calm and ready for my exam
Then again, where's the excitement in that?
Welp, I'm off to study this anthro...that is, unless I find facebook more appealing...I hope not.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
I caved....here are the 25 random facts about me..
1. I'm the the youngest in my family and love every second of it
2. I've riden horses since I was 8 and miss it everyday. My first horse was Lady. She was an ex barrel racer with so much spark. When I was 8, I was scared of her. I feared going fast. S0, I switched my then step-brother David, who took Lady as his horse and I had Sammy. Sammy was a great show horse and we always did fairly well in shows, but never won. As I got older, I grew out of Sammy and found Chocolate. Chocolate is the perfect horse-the type I had wished for since I started riding. She was tall and beautiful. At this time, I started jumping Lady and grew out of my fear of going fast and began to barrel race her. I won numerous shows with both Chocolate and Lady at the county and state level. My horse back riding experience is one that I will cherish until I die, and if the time comes when I have children, they will grow up with horses too. There is just something about having horses that matures you and gives you a love of the beauty created around you.
3. I have always been intrigued with the human body. When I was a junior in high school I was even given the amazing experience of going to a cadaver lab-one of the most interesting and exciting things I've ever done.
4. Student Council was my life in high school.
5. I lose one earring of every pair I own. Which results in me never having earrings that match :/
6. The summers growing up, my cousin AJ would stay with me. They were the best memories I have of growing up. She would help me at the fair with my horse, we would "work" for my mom, and make friendships that have lasted forever. I never stopped laughing once when we were together.
7. My brother and I became close when I was in 8th grade and he was a senior in high school. From that moment on, he would become one of the most influential people in my life and to this day is one of my best friends.
8. In 5th grade I won a writing contest. Which encouraged me to keep writing...since then writing has saved my life. It's my way of expressing my thoughts.
9. I started to play golf as a freshmen in high school. I had no idea how to swing a club when I tried out. By the end of the season, I was shooting 90 and by sophomore year I was playing #2 in tournaments
10. I'm a daddy's girl
11. I'm also a mommy's girl
12. Reading is a passion of mine. My favorite book is This Lullaby by Sarah Dessen. If you want to understand my life, this is how you do it.
13. I wanted to go to ASU, more then anything in the world. I never got the scholarship I thought I would.
14. I always wished that I played softball in high school.
15. I miss my Colorado friends everyday
16. When I was 14, me and my friend Brittany took a joy ride in my mom's BMW when it was snowing. We slid off the road and had to push the car back on the road. We were never caught.
17. I'm studying marketing because I loved DECA so much. I was a state officer and never experienced something so rewarding and tough. In competition me and Trevor took 1st in Sports and Entertainment Marketing. I never experienced such joy from solving problems.
18. I call myself a feminist
19. Flowers are my favorite. They make me so happy.
20. The number 7 is my unlucky number because 7th grade was absolute hell for me.
21. 4-H club introduced me to my love of leadership and competition. Without that experience I wouldn't be the same person I am today.
22. I've always wanted green eyes. I like unique things. How many blondes do you know that have green eyes?
23. I love to snow and water ski...it's a passion I have.
24. In elementary school I was in the talented and gifted program. My teacher always said, "you need a book not a boy" and I continually think how wise she was...education first...even though it's a hard concept for me to follow.
25. I would rather be around people then be alone.
I would much rather forget about issues then talk them out for hours on end. I enjoy thinking of happiness rather then dwelling on things that upset me. I feel like every moment wasted being upset is a moment you can't take back. It's moments when I could have been happy, if I just would have changed my thought process.
I hate fighting. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I don't know why I would rather forgive and forget quickly rather then talking out things.
For some people, this is an issue. When we get in an argument, some want to talk it out until all feelings and thoughts are laid out on the table. Others share my mindset-let's forget about it and move on.
I don't really know which way of dealing with problems is better. Some may say that by "forgetting" you're just bottling up your harsh feelings-which, at any moment-could explode! But in all honesty, I don't really feel that way. I don't feel like the anger and fights that I've left unsaid are just sitting, boiling, waiting for the right moment to all pop out at once.
I just feel like if it's not a HUGE LIFE ALTERING fight, it's not really worth having. I would rather just forget about it, accept that people make mistakes and move on to the happiness.
I'm not saying that I don't mention when something bothers me. If you don't tell people that they are doing something that angers you, they will never know. I tell people when they are doing something upsetting, but once I say it, it's over. It's not like I need to dwell on it. It's not like I need to talk about their thought process in making the decision that hurt me.
I guess I'm just striving for the same thing as everyone else in this world-happiness.
"If this is what he wants, and this is what she wants, why is there so much pain? " Blink 182 'Stay Together for the Kids'
"It won't stop if they don't stop yelling. It's not they way of working your problems out. I can't stand being around this yelling so I'm finding my way out." Plain White T's 'Breakdown'
On Thursday we had our Pi Beta Phi date night! It was so fun! Each girl invited a guy and we went to classic skating! Pi Phi rented out the building so only us and our dates were able to be there. We were able to skate and play lazer tag all night long. Here are a couple pictures of the night. We all dressed 80s to spice the night up a little bit. We took a bus to classic skating and then the bus took us back. Most Pi Phi's brought Betas, which is where the last picture was taken. My date was Scott aka the first picture, which was a very good choice on my part-Scott's always so good to me :) It was a very fun night, except for the fact that I had a math test at 9:40am the next day, but I think I did fine on that. I'm guessing a C...which is better then failing right? We were able to use a 3 by 5 card on the test so that was a relief! I got home at about 2:00am. We had such a blast.
I love Pi Phi date nights :) After the skating, we went back to Beta and just hung out.
It was defiantly a night to remember.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Music is my outlet.
There is a song about every feeling, every situation. It makes me feel not so alone like what I'm feeling and what I'm going through is not so unusual. I guess when you have some feelings you feel like you are being targeted-like no one can even compare to the way you are feeling at the moment.
Music is the way that I am continually proven wrong.
Now, I admit I have an unusual taste in music. I like everything from hip hop to country. The music I like comes with meaning. It comes with lyrics that are truthful and honest. Lyrics that make me feel vulnerable. I guess that's why I don't have a certain type. I just look for depth. For music that can heal me-music that can make me feel understood.
Music is not only an outlet-it's a best friend. When I need to vent-I put on my favorite hate song.(Seventy Times Seventy- Brand New) Confused? Meredith Brooks B*tch is on. When I'm feeling good about a boy...or remembering the good times I had with one? Konstintine by Something Corporate. When I have tears streaming down my face-I put on an artist that understands my pain-an artist that isn't afraid to voice the hurt they are feeling. (Usually Kelly Clarkson Because of You)
I guess this is how I bottle things up. I'm not really holding all my feelings inside-I'm just expressing it in a different way. I don't go and tell everyone what is going on, I tell my i-pod. I tell the song that gets how I feel and understands why I don't want to express the words out loud.
I'm so thankful for music.
My best friend.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
I read the book awhile back when I first moved to Utah. At first, I almost lived by the lessons it shared. The basic advice it gave is that if a guy isn't calling you, he doesn't want to. If he doesn't ask you out, he doesn't like you. If he doesn't want to be in a relationship, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. If he doesn't want to get married, he doesn't want to marry you. At first I obsessed over this book, thinking wow! It's so straightforward! How can girls be this dumb? But when I sat down and thought about it, the book is basically saying 1. Don't ask for a guy's number, if he wants it, he'll get it. 2. Don't call a guy 3. If a guy doesn't know if he wants to date me, I need to find someone who does. Now, I might be somewhat of a feminist but these rules are a little ridiculous. If I want to call a guy, I'm going to call him. If I want his number, I'll get it. I don't understand why the guy is still the only one who can be responsible for this. It's not the olden days!!
I realize that this is a dating book, so from there I should have known it would put down our gender a tad bit; because women, in general are seen as clingy and needy and this book certiantly didn't disagree with that. Which is BS. We do live in the 21st century. We're equal. So why not in the dating world? I have numerous friends who get upset over guys because they hooked up with someone else or they ignored their phone calls, when all they really had to do was clear up the murky water. If you want him to be your boyfriend, ask him. If not, he's not going to act like one. Guys can't read minds. As a woman, this would be the perfect solution to the dating world. However, they can't. And I feel like girls get too scared to tell guys how they feel for fear of being "clingy" or "needy" In the end, a lot is left unsaid and unknown.
When I saw the movie, it made me more sad then anything. I realize that taking an advice book and turning it into a movie isn't something that is easy to do. For that, I give the movie props. It was pretty good. The theater was packed full of women and their girlfriends, all hoping to understand the male brain. The friend I went with looked at me and stated, "This is going to open my eyes."
The movie brought me sadness because it was the story of different relationships, all containing guys that are obviously screwing over their girlfriends. One girl can't get the guys she meets to call her. Another is cheating on his wife with a young, cute singer. Another dates through technology (texting, myspace, etc) and doesn't even meet the men face to face. In all of these situations I feel like girls would be able to tell how screwed over they are getting. The saddest one was defiantly the marriage one. When he told his wife he had slept with someone else, she tried everything to make their marriage work and did he stop? no.
I guess we are all programed to believe that when someone tells us something they are being honest. To me, the movie just proved how much lieing can be involved in dating. If people were just honest with their significant other, how many problems would there really be? If a guy just didn't get your number, you wouldn't be wondering why he wasn't calling. If he told you he didn't want to date you, there would be no other questions.
What bothered me about this movie was that it makes the girls look like the fools. He's not calling you, he doesn't like you...duh! News flash: DON'T ASK FOR THE FREAKIN' NUMBER.
I guess i got off on a rant here but I'm just tired of our gender being balmed for the reason relationships don't work out. We're too needy. We're too clingy. If you ask me, more guys then not that I have dated have been the emotional and clingy ones. At times, I feel like I'm the guy in the relationship. The reason I feel that way? Because society has told us that women are the emotional ones, the ones that get attached easily and need a guy all the time.
No. This is 2009. We can take care of ourselves. We don't need false hope that you're going to call us back or date us. We're focused on our careers and schooling. Not on getting a boyfriend.
Monday, February 9, 2009
I have never known support so strong.
Friendships so sincere.
A group that cares so much for each individual.
I rushed a sorority mostly because of Lauren, my cousin. The only thing I ever heard come out of her mouth was Delta Gamma this and Delta Gamma that. The things she said got me excited right away. I knew I would join a sorority even before I knew which college I would attend. When I rushed, I had a hard decision between Delta Gamma and Pi Beta Phi. Both sororities had girls that I felt I connected to.
Both were dedicated to academics and community service.
The deciding factor is always a personal one. For me, it was the fact that I felt comfortable with every girl in Pi Beta Phi. During rush I was able to talk about my life, my dreams, and even the tough times with any of the girls. I felt so comfortable and welcome at Pi Phi. They were girls I could see myself hanging out with, confiding in, and comforting. Once I pledged, I knew that Pi Phi was the right choice for me. Even after the first week, I had met so many amazing young women.
As the semester went on, I learned that this is not only a group dedicated to community outreach and networking. It was a support system. It was an empowerment group. It was a place of comfort and non judgement.
In Pi Beta Phi, I am able to speak my deepest feelings and know that I won't be judged. I know that someone will always be there, always. I know that if I'm in need of help, a sister will assist me the best she can. I know that when I have family problems or boy problems, I have dozens of girls with open arms.
This group gives me hope. It gives me hope that our world isn't full of rude, obnoxious people, but people wanting to make a difference.
I have a deep love and passion for the friendships that I have gained, even in this short time. I have never felt so comfortable with so many people. I have never clung to a group the way I cling to Pi Beta Phi.
I don't know what I would do without my sisters. Both academically and socially. They will ALWAYS be there for me and that alone brings thoughts of thankfulness and excitement.
Good news! Finally, right?
I'm running to be a member of assembly on my student government at the University of Utah. There are 7 spots open.
To oversee all the student groups at the University of Utah. I'm just begining my campign and am so excited to see how it all plays out. I want this spot on the assembly so badly. Let's just hope all of my hard work and past experience will pay off.
Finally, an opportunity that sounds perfect for me :)
Canidate: Jillian Conrad
College running for: University College
Postion running for: Assembly
Bio: Growing up in Loveland, Colorado gave me a love for skiing and horse back riding. When it came to choosing a college, I was looking to find somewhere that would remind me of my hometown. What drew me to the University of Utah was not only the close proximity of the mountains, but also the amazing opportunities that Salt Lake City offered. At the University of Utah I was introduced to the Greek system. I am a Pi Beta Phi member and have never experienced the close friendships and amazing support it gives me. In high school I was a dedicated student council member, golfer, and horse back rider, things that I have been able to continue at the University of Utah. I plan on applying to the business school and double majoring in Marketing and Accounting. I hope to better the life for the students of the University of Utah and help out of state students feel more at ease and welcome.
Wish me luck! I'll keep you updated.
feeling of resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages.
I'm not usually a jealous person. But sometimes, the evil green monster gets ahold of me. But then it gets me to thinking, why are we jealous? When I say jealous, I'm not usually talking about being jealous because of someone's success. It's hard for me to feel any sort of resentment to one who has worked hard to obtain a goal that they have had, even if I may have had to same goal in mind.
The time of jealousy that usually gets me is with guys. I don't know why it happens. If you're dating someone, obviously they want to be with you, not some other girl. On the flip side, I often find it annoying and dumb when a guy gets jealous over someone who is clearly a friend. It sounds like a double standard...I know.
So, it got me thinking....If I have a friend that is just a friend...why can't I accept the same for someone else? Is it trust issues? Is it the fact that I feel threatened because of someone else?
I did date a guy once, for a long time, and I what I learned from the 3 year relationship is not to be so selfish. It's not all about you, which for me was a hard concept to grasp. It's about making your significant other happy, because in the end, isn't that what makes you happy? I also learned that jealousy is a dumb feeling. We wasted so many nights that could have been great fighting over his friend or my friend, who, in the end, caused us so much misery that wasn't necessary. I promised myself that I would never let something like that get in the way of a relationship ever again. How stupid to waste time being mad and upset..over people that meant nothing compared to him! I was going to focus on being happy-on the good parts of a relationship. Now I'm back to square one. yay.
I have seen girls and guys in relationships that will tell their significant other something totally ridiculous in hopes of making them jealous. Which in my opinion will only push people away. When I get the jealous feeling, the last thing I want to do is get more attached to someone. If I don't trust them enough to have a friend of the opposite sex, what hope is there? Everyone gets jealous but when it causes fight after fight, nothing is ever going to change. I can't help the way I feel- trust me- I've tried. I guess that trust and honesty just have to be established before anything can begin. Without those two things...what do you have?
Maybe once you get burned, it takes a lot to forget about that. Like many, I've been burned hardcore by relationships. I've been lied to, cheated on, and treated like crap. But does that give me the excuse to not trust any guy that I meet? Of course not.
But then again, you can't just tell yourself which feelings to have...they just sort of...happen.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Lately I've had an interesting feeling. It's one that I've never experienced before. I don't even think that describing it would do it any justice. A mixture of boredom and doubt. High school years were filled with chaos. I loved to be as busy as possible. Meetings. Event planning. Selecting new committee members. Mending relationships with administration and students. Competing in DECA, golf and horse back riding. My life was dedicated to TVHS.
Then I came to college
I'm not one to sit around and do nothing. I've never been one to be satisfied with anything less then being an asset to a school or organization. I feel a bit worthless. I'm not the president of any clubs. I'm not doing community service weekly at the hospital. I'm not meeting with the most important people around me trying to make changes that will better my peers. I'm not really doing much of anything.
My life consists of:
Pi Beta Phi
I've had trouble finding a job. Let me rephrase that: I've had trouble finding a job I know that I will enjoy. Passing out numerous applications and resumes isn't doing what I want it to. I would rather make less money and enjoy what I do then make more money hating my job.
I've never had trouble getting what I want, in a school/work environment that is. I've always worked hard to accomplish everything that I've wanted to in my life. My goals often take priority over anything else. And now, not being able to get a job is driving me crazy.
The economy is bad. I know that company's are bombarded with applications of desperate Americans, but there is just not as much work as there once was. I just need to get this concept through my head. But when I'm sitting in my dorm, studying anthropology again, I get a bit restless. I need to start volunteering again. I need a job. I need to decide what I want to do with my life right now. I just need to get rid of this feeling....
Friday, February 6, 2009
I opened AJ's blog first. Then Lauren's. Then Drew's. While I was reading them, I felt like I had just gotten the key to something new. I had learned things about each of the close family members and for the first time, I felt left out. With all the technology, there is no reason for relationships like these to suffer because of distance. So I guess in a way I'm following the crowd. I don't know what I'm going to write in this blog. I certainly have no idea what it will come to in the end, but what I'm hoping for is to keep those who I don't talk to on a regular basis feeling connected to me. And deep down, I feel like this blogging thing will help me discover who I am. Where I want to be in the future. I'm 19 and I have a long way to go until my life is all figured out. I guess I figure now would be the best time to start. The time of the most confusion. The time with the most opportunity thrown my way. The time of selfishness and discovery. The time when I will decide who and what I am. I hope you enjoy the ride, because it's bound to be an adventurous one.