Monday, March 30, 2009

Poker Face.

Drew reminded me that I must share this one on my blog- it's my poker story.

This weekend was parent's weekend at Pi Phi. We had tea with our mothers then we played poker and watched the Jazz game with our fathers. My father lives in Colorado and I was extremely sad he couldn't come. But next year, he said he's all down for taking the trip :) But, I did have my stepdad join me.

I have never played poker. Never even watched a real poker game.

Scott Burnett (my stepdad) was an awesome teacher! I learned which cards to keep, which to trade, and pretty much how to win. We both had piles of chips the whole tournament. It's funny because I've ALWAYS wanted to learn to play poker..and now I know!! I'm so happy Pi Phi chose this activity for dads day!

And yes, I won second in the tournament between all the Pi Phis and the dads. I think the main thing that helped is we used Jokers as wild cards as well as one-eyed Jacks. Which was desperately needed, us sorority girls didn't really know how to play the game...

:) It was very exciting

And I won $25 to PF Changs. Which me and Scott (the boyfriend Scott, not the stepdad) are going to enjoy!

I thank it all to my POKER FACE.

Loving Life <3

I'm back to normal-ness. Which is good.

All I ever want to be is happy. Scott's the best at comforting me. Something he said really stuck with me, "without sadness the happy moments wouldn't mean anything" And that really got me to thinking. Maybe we do get down and depressed so that we are able to be happy. So when we ARE happy, we don't take it for granted. We appreciate it. We hold on to it tight.

I'm glad my phase of sadness is over. Like I said, I have so much to be happy about. I'm so blessed and fortunate.

This weekend was a big help. I went out with my Pi Phi pledge class and it was so fun. I forget how happy those girls can make me. They are all so much fun. I'm making it my goal to hang out with them more. After all, my sisters are always going to be there. And they proved it this weekend, seriously! I don't know what I would do without them.

So, I'm back to loving life.

and it feels so good.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

The phase is still playing.....

I read this quote:

"sad eyes never lie"

If you looked in my eyes lately, this quote would be screaming into your head.

The mood is still there, consuming me. I thought it would leave, as it often does. But this time this horrible, awful mood decided to stay a little longer. My stomach hurts constantly, tears come easily, everything seems a bit sadder then it should, and I don't smile like I used to.

Gosh...what is WRONG with me?

The battle is raging inside my head...the one where my head is yelling at me to do one thing, but my heart is fully disagreeing, telling me to do the opposite.

I hate this feeling, yet I constantly put myself in the position to feel this way.

And I have no clue which side to choose. I have no idea which choice will bring me happiness, which choice will return light into my eyes, my life.

I just hope I figure it all out soon because I'm having a really hard time dealing with it now.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

It's just a phase that plays.

When I have an intense feeling, I just feel the need to blog. It's my little way of getting the feeling out of my system. Look back at my previous blogs- angry, jealous, overjoyed, self-discovering-they all contain feelings I just needed to let loose.

This blog isn't such a happy read.

I'm just feeling a bit depressed lately. Perhaps it's because of the weather. It was so nice and sunny out, and all the sudden-BAM! it's snowing and gray outside.

I can't blame the entire mood on the weather-but it's a nice cop out. When you're feeling sad or depressed and the weather sucks, it's easy to say, "the weather is weighing down my mood!" but in reality, I feel there is always a deeper reason.

I have a lot to be happy about-A LOT. I just got a position on Pi Beta Phi and Student Government. I just got an AWESOME job at a gym-that I LOVE! I have amazing friends-sisters that would be there for my at ANY moment in time. A boyfriend who is so good to me always, who I can tell everything to, who understands, comforts, listens, and makes even the saddest moments/situations bearable. And my family...gosh...I can't even explain how thankful I am for them. My brother Drew is amazing. If I feel even a BIT of sadness, he's the ONLY one I can count on to bring my life back to where it normally is-filled with happiness. He's what I hope to be when I decide to "grow up" And my step brother Taylor just got back from his mission and it has been SO fun hanging out with him. Dayne is always a solid rock in my life. And Cassie-she's a riot. Blake-what an inspiration!! And the parents-we'll I've talked about them before-I wouldn't be where I am today without what they have done for me.

Now I feel like this blog is a waste, I have far too much to be happy about to be depressed/sad.

This song by Daniel Powter is how I feel/here is the music's so cute/the lyrics are so true...

"You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carrying on"

Thank goodness for music-eh? Like I said before- I can ALWAYS find music that describes my thoughts and feelings -oh...another thing I'm thankful for :)

I can't really explain why I'm feeling so down. I don't want to blame it on one thing or another, I guess it's just things that have been piling up, things I should have dealt with but just pushed them away-I have a tendency to do that.

I know that in a few hours or a day, it will all go away. But for now, the sadness is consuming me. It's the type of mood that won't let you do anything else. Watching TV is hard. Hanging out/going out doesn't sound one bit appealing. The only thing that calls to me is my writing and bed-it's that kind of mood.

I just always look for ways to make people happy. It makes me feel good and successful when the people around me are happy and thriving. Even if that means sacrificing my own happiness. I'm the type of person that looks for others to have a good time. The type that cares too much about other's feelings.

And I don't think that's the wrong thing to do. Sometimes it makes me sad, but in turn I know that I'm making someone else's day. And to me, that's what life is about. It's not all about you, it's about the people you love and care about.

So at times I just get down. And it's totally my fault. My actions. My decisions.

WHOA. this made me feel better. Even after just writing about it.

THIS IS WHY I BLOG. I mean, I do love to share my insights and opinions, but when it comes down to it, I really blog for myself. It's my way of letting out my pain, of getting over it and continuing on, happier then I was when it was bottled up inside. And being able to talk about my sadness, while realizing I have so many things to be happy about/thankful for has made my mood just a bit better.

This was exactly what I needed.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

A new discovery: I really am a feminist.

So, I've started to read this book. It's a book that has intrigued me to the point that I can't put it down. It's a book that has opened my mind. Molded my daily thoughts. And sparked some interesting beliefs. 


Yes. It's a feminist book. Feminism Issues & Argument by Jennifer Mather Saul 

I have always thought of myself as somewhat of a feminist, always advocating for women's rights and getting annoyed when men think they are superior. What I didn't know was just how much I agree with many of the issues mentioned in this book.

I haven't finished the entire book yet, so I can't really comment on the book as a whole, however I do want to highlight a few points that have really caught my attention. I realize these topics are sometimes "dangerous" but I'm willing to risk it.

Here are some highlighted excerpts from the book that I have found I deeply agree with:

Politics: An interesting point that was brought up was the fact that men still run politics. They have the majority of control. Although we did see a woman vice president candidate and the current prime minister is a woman, politics as a whole is not yet "equal." The way that Saul points this out is that it will be years before we see the presidential and vice presidential candidates of both the republican and democratic party be female. I admit, even when I thought about it, I found it weird. Four females in the presidential election? That thought didn't even enter my mind until Saul. Even when Clinton was up for president, there was no doubt that she was going to chose a male vice presidential candidate. And we all knew that McCain or Paul would be the opposite candidate. If we can think of this scenario (where both parties are represented fully by females), we must also accept that this can go on for some time. That for many years after four females would be running in the presidential election. By imagining this scenario, it is clear that women still have work to do in the field of politics.

Broken Families/ Politics of Families: This topic was also interesting to me.  Saul writes, "In many marriages, husbands are able to earn higher incomes only because wives have taken on a much larger share of the childcare. These women, then, by providing most of the childcare, make an enormous contribution to the family income. However, the only work courts generally recognize as relevant to the family income is that of the partner working outside the home." (14) I never really thought about what the deciding factor for child support and alimony in the courts, but this just makes sense to me. If men and women had equal roles of raising children, both would be able to hold the same type of job. However, today, many woman work part-time jobs that enable them more time off and better benefits for children, often resulting in a smaller paying salary. The men, on the other hand, are able to climb up the career later without worrying about childcare, for the most part.

I'm not saying I disagree with the fact that women should care for the children, they should. I just think that there should be equality. I have always dreamed of having a very successful career. I have always imagined being a woman who works and I can't imagine being a stay at home mother. It's just an interesting point that we, as a society, have yet to find an equal split for childcare between a man and a woman. Women are seen as "more nurturing" and etc., but aren't these just roles we have grown up with? Learned from watching our own parents? My mother worked. She first owned her own accounting firm then became the vice president of a juice company. She has been my role model ever since I can remember. She is so successful and still managed to raise three amazing children. But now that I look back, if childcare was completely 100% split with my father, who knows what she could have done? (I'm not saying my father never helped. And I'm not saying he did any wrong in raising us kids. He taught me some of the most valuable lessons I learned growing up. I'm a daddy's girl and always will be. I am very close with my father, to the point where is he is one of my best friends. I'm just thinking feminist thoughts here) My mother will always be someone I look up to. She will always be seen by me as strong, independent, and successful, three of the most desired traits I yearn to obtain. 

Pornography: I have always been against pornography. I have never viewed it or desired to view it. I have always seen it as degrading and disgusting. But until I read what Saul had to say about it, I didn't know the extent to which I would come to despise it. How I feel can be summed up by Catharine MacKinnon, "Pornography sexualizes rape, battery, sexual harassment, the prostitution, and the sexual abuse; it thereby celebrates, promotes, authorizes, and legitimizes them." Before this book, I had no idea that rape and murder can be directly linked to pornography. In one study I read about online, they had people watch a video of a woman getting raped and a porn. The majority of viewers couldn't tell the difference. The word "no" is never taken into consideration in porn. Sexual harassment is seen as "sexy" and women are seen as sexual objects: it shows men dominating in sexual relations and women as simply obedient to the wants of men.

Saul points out 4 arguments for pornography:
"1. Pornography is not just an expression, as there are real sexual acts taking place, and sometimes, these are acts of rape and violence. 
2. Pornography hurts women, by causing violence, especially sexual violence, against women, This is argued for on the basis of rapists' testimony, psychological evidence, and women's reactions to pornography
3. Pornography plays a key role in shaping men and women, teaching that maleness is about sexual domination and femaleness about sexual submission . This power dynamic then works to subordinate women to men in many other areas of life 
4. Pornography is itself an act of subordination and silencing of women." (80)

These points are all that I believe in. And I think they are pretty self-explanatory

This book is really an eye opener. It's something I believe in. I believe in the rights for women. I believe in equality and fairness. 

This is the beginning to my journey of feminism. I have developed a new love for studying feminists' views. After all, feminists still have a lot of work ahead of them. 

And I'm always down to help with a cause I believe strongly in. 

Friday, March 13, 2009

Election Results!

Update: Revolution won the election! 

I'm offically an assembly member for the 2009-2010 school year! Thanks to all my friends and family for their AMAZING support. There is no way I could have done it without them.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Logic vs. Emotion

I've been thinking about how genders process information a lot lately. I don't know why. I guess that college is just opening my eyes to how different boys and girls think.

So I'm aware that I'm about to state the obvious...but it's just something that I have personally noticed lately. I guess a "duh" moment caught in action.

Boys tend to use logic
Girls tend to use emotions

But, I'm starting to it that cut and dry? Isn't there some sort of perfect combination that we can all just use. Some combination that will make us all understand each other better? To be honest, I am constantly wondering how guys get to the conclusions they do. It often takes me deep thinking before I say to myself, WOW...really? Is THAT why he thinks that? And more times then most, it's the simple mindset that takes me there. It's logical thinking.

Us girls are a bit more complicated. We don't think so simply, we analyze details. We dissect every bit of dialect, body language, etc. we can. We use every emotion in the book.

All this thinking brought me to one question, is it smarter to follow your heart or your head? When your head is screaming one thing, but your heart just can't seem to agree, which one do we choose?

It's a question that will never be answered.

Take, for example abusive relationships. I guess I got to thinking of this because of the recent Chris Brown and Rhianna (for those of you who don't know, Chris beat up Rhianna pretty bad recently, it's all over the news) I'm sure Rhianna was thinking, "I HAVE to get out of this. This is NOT healthy." Yet, her heart was screaming, "I love Chris Brown" Of course, this is a dramatic example. Everyone knows that the head would be the smart choice to follow, but it just shows how hard that is to do.

I'm not only talking about relationships. It's school. It's careers. It's friendships. It's life. If you have the choice between two majors or two jobs, do we tend to follow our hearts or our head? Do we chose the job/major that we KNOW we will enjoy, or the one we can see will logically take us where we want to be in the future? 

Sometimes, my mind will be screaming anger. My heart...that's another story. 

Other times, it's a big jolt that I need to bring me back to sanity. It's a huge realization that brings me out of my perfect fantasy world and back into reality.  Back to the real life. Back to the logical side of things. Away from the emotions. Away from the daydreaming and wishes. 

The perfect solution would be to combine emotions and logic. To mesh the male brain with the female brain. Every decision you made would be the right one, the perfect one. It would consider both emotions and logic.

Maybe we should all just try and look at the other perspective. If I caught myself every time my thoughts were emotion-based and thought of them logically, I think I could avoid a lot of fights, miscommunication, and dumb-not thought out-decisions I have made. 

I'm gonna try to have a giroy brain. Girl-boy Brian that is. 

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Monday, March 9, 2009

I was tagged by Lo.

I was tagged by here goes...

something that makes me happy right now: My brother. My Pi Phi girls. My boyfriend.
looking forward to: The end of math 1090.
something I don't want to pay for right now: Groceries
something I dread: Math test on Friday
currently reading: I just finished The Appeal by John Grisham...I have yet to start a new book
Favorite trip in the last year: Steamboat.
something I wish I could master: Algebra. 
best hair conditioner: Fructose deep conditionar
best thing in my mail today: my glasses and contacts. yay!
Love or Hate Valentine's Day: Loved it. I got taken to sushi and I got roses and chocolate covered strawberries...couldn't have been better. 
I am on a kick of: Campaigning for Revolution
a luxury for me would be: No school. A shopping trip.
time of day I look forward to most: Afternoon
current favorite song : Runaway by Anberlin
if I could go shopping right now, I'd buy: New jeans :)
something I want to do more of: (GET A JOB)
least favorite thing of the past week: We got 2nd in the Primary vote.
glad that: My family is the best. 
love: Comfy pants. My laptop. My family. My life.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Campaigning is in full swing.

I feel like I've neglected my precious little blog. oops.

Campaigning is taking over my life. It's so crazy, stressful, time consuming, and wonderful all at the same time! I never knew talking to complete strangers could be so entertaining. 

I never knew that I would come to love this campaign, love the people running, and care about the student body more then I did before. 

Primary elections are tomorrow and the next day. On Friday we find out which party didn't survive, which party didn't reach the student body, which party's platform didn't have what the students wanted. 

I'm pretty nervous. I want this position so bad. I want to make a difference. I want to have a voice and give my peers an equal voice. I want change. I want a revolution.

So, I will keep you updated. We had our second debate today. It went very well. Taylor, the presidential candidate of Revolution is an amazing speaker. You can tell he truly cares about the U. You can tell that he is striving to change the University of Utah for the better-that his goal isn't to give his resume a boost or have "power." He is such a genuine person. And that's what got me so much more excited about this campaign. 

I believe in the people running, especially our executive candidates. I find it classy that they are cutting their own stipends. They are giving their hard earned money to the students of the U. It just shows me how caring they really are. 

During the debate I found it interesting how the GO! candidates would constantly bash on our platform-twisting words and such. They kept saying that cutting stipends won't help students. They made our party seem like we were limiting the opportunities for students to get involved in ASUU. Which, is a complete lie. All opportunities are still there-money is just saved. Politics really can get a little nasty, especially when two parties are alike in thoughts- and so close in the numbers of supporters.

I'm really excited to see what happens. Nervous too. 

I believe so strongly in the values and platforms of Revolution. I believe in the people, in the supporters, and in the cause. It is the only party that I know will be held accountable for the things they are promising. 

Cross your fingers and vote March 4 & 5 AND March 10 & 11 on your CIS homepage if you're a U of U student.