Tuesday, February 10, 2009

He's Just Not That Into You.

I read the book awhile back when I first moved to Utah. At first, I almost lived by the lessons it shared. The basic advice it gave is that if a guy isn't calling you, he doesn't want to. If he doesn't ask you out, he doesn't like you. If he doesn't want to be in a relationship, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. If he doesn't want to get married, he doesn't want to marry you. At first I obsessed over this book, thinking wow! It's so straightforward! How can girls be this dumb? But when I sat down and thought about it, the book is basically saying 1. Don't ask for a guy's number, if he wants it, he'll get it. 2. Don't call a guy 3. If a guy doesn't know if he wants to date me, I need to find someone who does. Now, I might be somewhat of a feminist but these rules are a little ridiculous. If I want to call a guy, I'm going to call him. If I want his number, I'll get it. I don't understand why the guy is still the only one who can be responsible for this. It's not the olden days!!

I realize that this is a dating book, so from there I should have known it would put down our gender a tad bit; because women, in general are seen as clingy and needy and this book certiantly didn't disagree with that. Which is BS. We do live in the 21st century. We're equal. So why not in the dating world? I have numerous friends who get upset over guys because they hooked up with someone else or they ignored their phone calls, when all they really had to do was clear up the murky water. If you want him to be your boyfriend, ask him. If not, he's not going to act like one. Guys can't read minds. As a woman, this would be the perfect solution to the dating world. However, they can't. And I feel like girls get too scared to tell guys how they feel for fear of being "clingy" or "needy" In the end, a lot is left unsaid and unknown.

When I saw the movie, it made me more sad then anything. I realize that taking an advice book and turning it into a movie isn't something that is easy to do. For that, I give the movie props. It was pretty good. The theater was packed full of women and their girlfriends, all hoping to understand the male brain. The friend I went with looked at me and stated, "This is going to open my eyes."

The movie brought me sadness because it was the story of different relationships, all containing guys that are obviously screwing over their girlfriends. One girl can't get the guys she meets to call her. Another is cheating on his wife with a young, cute singer. Another dates through technology (texting, myspace, etc) and doesn't even meet the men face to face. In all of these situations I feel like girls would be able to tell how screwed over they are getting. The saddest one was defiantly the marriage one. When he told his wife he had slept with someone else, she tried everything to make their marriage work and did he stop? no.

I guess we are all programed to believe that when someone tells us something they are being honest. To me, the movie just proved how much lieing can be involved in dating. If people were just honest with their significant other, how many problems would there really be? If a guy just didn't get your number, you wouldn't be wondering why he wasn't calling. If he told you he didn't want to date you, there would be no other questions.

What bothered me about this movie was that it makes the girls look like the fools. He's not calling you, he doesn't like you...duh! News flash: DON'T ASK FOR THE FREAKIN' NUMBER.

I guess i got off on a rant here but I'm just tired of our gender being balmed for the reason relationships don't work out. We're too needy. We're too clingy. If you ask me, more guys then not that I have dated have been the emotional and clingy ones. At times, I feel like I'm the guy in the relationship. The reason I feel that way? Because society has told us that women are the emotional ones, the ones that get attached easily and need a guy all the time.

No. This is 2009. We can take care of ourselves. We don't need false hope that you're going to call us back or date us. We're focused on our careers and schooling. Not on getting a boyfriend.


Lauren Rice said...

Easy for you to say!! You have tons of guys going after you AND you have a bf. Haha. I understand your points and it does make me think about the movie differently, but at the same time its true. When we exchange numbers with a guy, we want them to call us, but we could easily call them first. Many times I find myself waiting for a guy to call or text me and I will be so bummed out that he hasn't, but I haven't done anything to change it. So then I'll decide, I am a strong woman, I should be able to call him! So I do. And it never changes anything. They say oh yah I've been meaning to call, sorry I've been busy with school, sorry I've been busy with work, we really should hang out sometime! But then after the conversation, there are no changes. They don't call. They don't actually want to hang out. And then it's just embarrassing for us girls who were like wow why did I even call him? So then the next time a guy comes around, we don't call him after he doesn't call us--we sit around and wait for his turn to man up and call us.

Anyways, I see both points, and I wish it was different. I was guys weren't such...guys (for lack of better word). They are jerks most of the time and finding a decent one is pretty tough these days haha. But I love your post and it def. makes a lot of sense.

Alexandra said...

OMG THANK YOU SOOO MUCH!!!!!! i fully agree!!! guys are sooo needy and clingy. the movie was cute, but it was all no brainer stuff. jill i love you so much, why are we the same person??

Jill said...

We always agree when it comes to boys. Because we know that there are a million out there...and if one ignores us or won't call us, we move on to the next. THEIR LOSS. sad. But seriously, I miss you!

And Lo-
You make good points. I mean, it's true I have gotten a guy's number and texted him first and he says yeah we should hang out-only to blow me off-but then I have to think-is this guy worth it? obviously not. I don't want to be pulling teeth for someone to want to hang out with me. So, I guess I see you're point. I just don't really take the BS that guys shell. I mean, they either want me or they don't. Just cut to the chase. If they don't act interested, then I'm not interested...I mean why would I be?

Accatagon said...

The reason guys are clingy and needy is because we're all afraid of showing weakness to anyone else. Even the uber-geeky guys that should know better than hyper-masculinity still spend all their time making "your mom" jokes or debating intellectual topics. There's very little room for feeling. Therefore, when we get girlfriends, it's an emotional free-for-all. The only people I currently feel like I can talk to when I'm upset are my lesbian friend in Colorado and another female friend that's still in High School. Basically, girls aren't the only ones that have to deal with shitty cultural double standards. You just have different ones.

As far as the whole calling thing goes, I can definitely imagine myself avoiding calling someone out of shyness or awkwardness. Unfortunately, I'm an unusual case, and if the person who's not calling you isn't a major introvert then he probably isn't just being shy. Also, if someone called me up and was wondering why I hadn't called, my response would probably be: "I was afraid you didn't want me to," or something along those lines. Basically, I would be honest (shy, introverted people tend to also be very bad at lying). If they've been "meaning to call" as Lauren mentions, then they don't want to call you.