Wednesday, March 25, 2009

It's just a phase that plays.

When I have an intense feeling, I just feel the need to blog. It's my little way of getting the feeling out of my system. Look back at my previous blogs- angry, jealous, overjoyed, self-discovering-they all contain feelings I just needed to let loose.

This blog isn't such a happy read.

I'm just feeling a bit depressed lately. Perhaps it's because of the weather. It was so nice and sunny out, and all the sudden-BAM! it's snowing and gray outside.

I can't blame the entire mood on the weather-but it's a nice cop out. When you're feeling sad or depressed and the weather sucks, it's easy to say, "the weather is weighing down my mood!" but in reality, I feel there is always a deeper reason.

I have a lot to be happy about-A LOT. I just got a position on Pi Beta Phi and Student Government. I just got an AWESOME job at a gym-that I LOVE! I have amazing friends-sisters that would be there for my at ANY moment in time. A boyfriend who is so good to me always, who I can tell everything to, who understands, comforts, listens, and makes even the saddest moments/situations bearable. And my family...gosh...I can't even explain how thankful I am for them. My brother Drew is amazing. If I feel even a BIT of sadness, he's the ONLY one I can count on to bring my life back to where it normally is-filled with happiness. He's what I hope to be when I decide to "grow up" And my step brother Taylor just got back from his mission and it has been SO fun hanging out with him. Dayne is always a solid rock in my life. And Cassie-she's a riot. Blake-what an inspiration!! And the parents-we'll I've talked about them before-I wouldn't be where I am today without what they have done for me.

Now I feel like this blog is a waste, I have far too much to be happy about to be depressed/sad.

This song by Daniel Powter is how I feel/here is the music's so cute/the lyrics are so true...

"You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carrying on"

Thank goodness for music-eh? Like I said before- I can ALWAYS find music that describes my thoughts and feelings -oh...another thing I'm thankful for :)

I can't really explain why I'm feeling so down. I don't want to blame it on one thing or another, I guess it's just things that have been piling up, things I should have dealt with but just pushed them away-I have a tendency to do that.

I know that in a few hours or a day, it will all go away. But for now, the sadness is consuming me. It's the type of mood that won't let you do anything else. Watching TV is hard. Hanging out/going out doesn't sound one bit appealing. The only thing that calls to me is my writing and bed-it's that kind of mood.

I just always look for ways to make people happy. It makes me feel good and successful when the people around me are happy and thriving. Even if that means sacrificing my own happiness. I'm the type of person that looks for others to have a good time. The type that cares too much about other's feelings.

And I don't think that's the wrong thing to do. Sometimes it makes me sad, but in turn I know that I'm making someone else's day. And to me, that's what life is about. It's not all about you, it's about the people you love and care about.

So at times I just get down. And it's totally my fault. My actions. My decisions.

WHOA. this made me feel better. Even after just writing about it.

THIS IS WHY I BLOG. I mean, I do love to share my insights and opinions, but when it comes down to it, I really blog for myself. It's my way of letting out my pain, of getting over it and continuing on, happier then I was when it was bottled up inside. And being able to talk about my sadness, while realizing I have so many things to be happy about/thankful for has made my mood just a bit better.

This was exactly what I needed.


jordan_kylie said...

just so you know, youre an inspiration to me. your honesty in your blog is awesome. i'm starting one right now and i hope im brave enough to lay my feelings out on it, bc i know its what i need. youre an amazing friend and i love you so much :) bbfl - blog buddies for life! ha ha yeah. . . im a doofus

Jordan Swan said...

You know that I am always here for you. I love you so much <3

depression mood said...
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