It's week 3.
Week 3 of being without the BF.
Week 3 of feeling confused and alone. Alone. Funny that I said that. For 3 weeks I have been constantly surrounded by friends and family. I've spent time in Colorado and Huntington Beach. Despite my constant time with people, I feel alone. Perhaps the reason is that no one knows me the way he does. At the moment, at least. Loneliness seems inevitable when the one who knows you best disappears.
Disappears. It's like a shooting start or a healed cut. Gone, in a matter of seconds. It's ironic that one person can be so influential and such a big part of your life and then disappear. I find it perfect comparing my past relationship with a shooting star. magical. unreal. special. Then in a flash-gone. Never to be forgotten.
Forgotten. These words keep springing up like a hidden police on the street, an awful storm on a summer day. Is that the goal? To be forgotten, to forget? Perhaps that's why exes are like a rare disease-something you fear and restrain contact with. Maybe the goal is to forget so you can move on- free of the enchanted memories so tattooed in your mind. But, I don't want to forget. I want to remember the first time we held hands, the passion, the fun, the realness. Then again, it is these captivating memories that prevent me from moving on. But to forget? Why would I want to forget something so great? more importantly, how do I go about doing that?
I didn't just lose a boyfriend. I lost a best friend. I lost one of the few people I trust. I lost a part of me too. With so much gone so quickly, recovery feels unreachable. I don't like losing so much-or any of it for that matter.
I dream of him every night. You'd think after 3 weeks my mind could be a bit more creative. But it's his face that occupies my mind night after night. I find myself waking up at 4 or 5 in the morning, unable to fall back asleep, pondering the face I'd just seen. Holding on to the dream as long as possible. Most of the time, they are happy dreams. A glimpse of us pre break-up. Other times, the problems we had during the relationship make their way to my head, turning dreams to nightmares. These nights are the hardest ones. I awake with a start and a stomach that feels like it just got punched. A strange realization that I cant call him and make it all better. It was, after all, just a dream.
It's the simple things that make me hurt. Finding his shirt in my laundry basket, hearing his name innocently mentioned, having 0 messages in my inbox, seeing a red car, even watching other couples happily showing their PDA. Funny how these things can leave me empty and broken. The smallest things make such an impact.
I never imagined I would feel this way. lost and alone. confused and empty. I had it on my mind that I would be fine. Boy, was I wrong. I can't get the image of looking into his eyes out of my head. It seems so unreal.
Are we just supposed to avoid each other, pretend our lives weren't woven together for 9 months? Awkwardly cringe and say hello when we bump into each other? Is he just going to become a stranger, the guy that I know so well? It just doesn't seem right. I want to know his aspirations and fears, hear his thoughts and questions. Unrealistic, I know. It just doesn't seem right without him. It's like that song by the Fray "how to save a life"
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came
CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
Here's to another journey of my crazy college career. Getting over my first college boyfriend.
