Ending the Cycle

I expected my life to calm down a little bit after Greek Recruitment....

it didn't.

Don't get me wrong. My life is crazy busy, but I like it that way. I feel accomplished. This life of mine is quite rewarding. But I can't dismiss the fact that I don't have time to spend hours upon hours with my friends, to hit the gym daily, or to be on the look out for a new man.

But perhaps the latter is a good thing. It's been quite awhile since I've been single. Like, years....YEARS. I swear I've had a boyfriend since I was 15. I'm one of THOSE girls...you know...the type that once she breaks up with one boy is dating another within weeks.

&& it's time to break that cycle.

As tempting as it is to fall into the arms of some boy as desperate as I for a relationship, I need to learn to be alone. Live life for me and not to please another. This concept is one that I obviously don't understand.

Which makes me wonder...why am I one of those girls who always has to be dating someone? Now that I think about it, I almost feel pathetic. I don't need some boy to make me happy.

So, here goes...it's only week 2 of being single. Let's see how long I can hold out. I think the longer I do, the happier I will be. It will give me time to discover myself. To focus on my goals, aspirations, and what I want in my future. I'm done dating randoms just because I want a boyf. So here's to new beginnings-the beginning of being completely independent & the end of the "I always have to have a boyfriend" cycle.

Wow, that was a random tangent. When I started this post that's not where I was going at all. That's what blogging does to me-it brings out the things most on my mind, so deeply embedded I hardly know they are there. Which is exactly why I love blogging so very much.

Side Note: I'm Single

I blog to get my feelings out. I blog to understand myself. My emotions can get a little crazy and confusing and at times-I'm unsure if I want to share them with the world. Then I remember why I started this blog-to figure out who I was & more importantly, who I wanted to become.

Isn't it funny that you plan out your future in your mind-a perfectly painted picture of what will happen in the next few years-then all the sudden, that picture is destroyed-in a matter of seconds?

I guess I should explain where I'm coming from. Remember that boy I was dating? James, yeah that was his name. I went to Baltimore to visit James & counted down the hours until his return to Utah.

Well, James did return. Things, however, just weren't the same. The sad part is there is no one to blame for our break up. I can't blame myself and I can't blame him. We just didn't "click" after he got back. We are such different people and tried to force something that clearly would never work.

I am actually relieved for things to be over. It was a lot of unnecessary pressure trying to make things click with us. I've had to devote a lot of my time to Pi Phi, work, and school and to be honest-I realized I don't have time for a boy. I had to re-evaluate my priority list and sadly, the boyf wasn't anywhere near the top of that list.

One thing that remains true with all guys I break up with is my list of qualities I need in a guy grows. With each relationship I discover the traits that I absolutely must have in the future Mister. I'm not one to settle, especially at my young age, so the creation and addition to this list is a must! With this relationship I recognized my need for support and understanding. I like to think of myself as an ambitious woman. I have a great deal of goals for myself and work hard to accomplish them. My job, my presidency within Pi Phi, my senior status at the university of utah in three years- All are things that I have dreamed for & worked towards for a long time. I need someone who will support me, especially in areas named above. I am busy-I won't deny that-but I am busy doing things I love, believe in, and have worked for. I need someone who understands that. Support & understanding...now added to the list of "musts" (I would show you this so called list, but a girl has to have some mystery...)

In addition to not "clicking" I realized that there are so many things I want to do and accomplish before I actually settle down. So, I sat down and made another list-

The To Do List Before I get my "Mrs. Degree":

1. Finish this term of presidency in Pi Beta Phi and perhaps run for another

2. Go study abroad in the summer of 2011-I'm thinking Italy or Germany

3. Get my degree in business marketing & pick up a minor (leadership? psychology? stats?)

4. Spend the rest of my college years with my friends-doing ridiculous and spontaneous things, because after college, those opportunities will be few

5. Figure out exactly who I am and what I want out of this life

6. Intern at an international marketing agency

7. Study for the GMAT & apply to graduate school somewhere awesome (East Coast perhaps?)

8. Attend a function for every sport at the U before I graduate (softball, soccer, hockey, etc.)

9. Learn to cook

10. Read the entire BOM

11. Go to an away football game for the U of U

12. Visit Vegas for my 21st and many more times after that

13. Take a photography class

14. Learn to save/budget money better

15. Get certified in scuba diving & travel somewhere I can use it

16. travel, travel, travel-take every opportunity to go somewhere new

In a way, everything worked out for the best. I'm only 20 years old. I have a lot of life to live and experience before marriage & a family. I want to have fun. I want to grow up. I want to have every college experience I can. & I don't want to miss out on opportunities that will uncover who I am and what I'm meant to do in this crazy, confusing world.

If you enjoyed this post check out "What's the Rush?"

News, News, News!

Today at work I got a raise. I'm so happy/giddy/excited.

It was totally unexpected. A 25% increase is a big deal! I really do love my job. I've worked there for about 9 months. It's interesting & it teaches me so much about running a business. I've learned an indescribable amount in all fields of business-accounting, grant writing, management, etc. Best of all, my co-workers are amazing. Most all of them have their PhDs in some sort of pharmacy field-super smart. I literally learn something new everyday. It really does feel like another family to me.

I feel so lucky.

And so happy!

Believing Christ

For those of you who don't know, I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (yes, I'm Mormon). I don't usually blog about spiritual matters. I find it to be difficult because it can be so controversial. However, today I'm going to overcome that fear. Most of this is due a girl I recently met on 20SB, Jamie. Her blog is called Spread Your Wings & Fly (check it out. you won't regret it) She blogs about her life but includes a variety of spiritual matters. To be honest, I was inspired. Her posts gave me courage. So before I chicken out, I'm going to blog about my current feelings.

On the plane ride home from Colorado I finished a book my bishop had given me to read. When he passed it on to me, I figured I would skim through to get the general idea of the book and report back. I certainly didn't think I would get captivated and read the book word for word.

The book he gave me was Believing Christ by Stephen Robinson. Not only was it enlightening, thought provoking, and encouraging, but I actually enjoyed reading it.

There are so many wonderful concepts in this book, I don't even know where to start. The main topic was grace/being saved by grace. It was about the atonement and repentance- something that I recently have dealt with a great deal. I could relate. Stephen does a wonderful job of making sense & getting his point across. His stories are ones that I could relate too. He knew his audience & spoke right to their hearts (well mine at least)

I'll stop rambling about how amazing this book was and give you a sneak peak of what the content was like:

"However the Lord does say to us, 'Given your present circumstances and your present level of maturity, you're doing a decent job. Of course it's not perfect, but your efforts are acceptable for the time being. I am pleased with what you've done."

"God knows our circumstances, and he judges us accordingly. He knows who is standing in a hole and who is standing on a chair, and he does not just measure height-he measures growth"

"According to the scriptures [Jesus] knows more of the dark side than any of us. In fact, he knows more about pain, grief, loneliness, contradiction, shame, rejection, betrayal, anguish, depression, and guilt than all of us combined"

These are random, I know, but for some reason each one of these passages stuck out to me. I'm certainly not perfect. I have had my struggles with the commandants and staying on the right path. I was inactive for my first year and a half of college to experience "normal life," so I told myself. I felt held back by the LDS church. I wanted to be free of expectations. I wanted to be rebellious. I wanted to make decisions based on what I wanted at the time-what do they call it? instant gratification? Yeah, I wanted that. I'm not mad at myself for this decision. I would never take back the experiences I had or the mistakes I made. In a way, they made me who I am today. Now I KNOW what I want. I KNOW who I want to be. I've learned for myself that the church is true-for that I am grateful. My testimony of the church is mine and mine alone. I've been on both sides of the spectrum. & I have no regrets. I've lived and experienced so much-all which have lead me to the conclusion that life with Christ, the gospel, and the LDS church makes me happier. Happy-there isn't another word. I feel peaceful & happy when I think of the life I'm living now.

Ok, back to the book...

What I love about this book is the reassurance that I'm not alone. Christ is there and knows everything I am going through, all the time. The book stresses the unconditional love the Savior has for us. No matter what we do- no matter how far we stray or how much we neglect him- he is always there with open arms.

I am so thankful for Him. I am so thankful for the atonement.

Change

"The key to change is to let go of fear"

Healing.

It's week 3. Week 3 of being without the BF. Week 3 of feeling confused and alone. Alone. Funny that I said that. For 3 weeks I have been constantly surrounded by friends and family. I've spent time in Colorado and Huntington Beach. Despite my constant time with people, I feel alone. Perhaps the reason is that no one knows me the way he does. At the moment, at least. Loneliness seems inevitable when the one who knows you best disappears.

Disappears. It's like a shooting start or a healed cut. Gone, in a matter of seconds. It's ironic that one person can be so influential and such a big part of your life and then disappear. I find it perfect comparing my past relationship with a shooting star. magical. unreal. special. Then in a flash-gone. Never to be forgotten.

Forgotten. These words keep springing up like a hidden police on the street, an awful storm on a summer day. Is that the goal? To be forgotten, to forget? Perhaps that's why exes are like a rare disease-something you fear and restrain contact with. Maybe the goal is to forget so you can move on- free of the enchanted memories so tattooed in your mind. But, I don't want to forget. I want to remember the first time we held hands, the passion, the fun, the realness. Then again, it is these captivating memories that prevent me from moving on. But to forget? Why would I want to forget something so great? more importantly, how do I go about doing that?

I didn't just lose a boyfriend. I lost a best friend. I lost one of the few people I trust. I lost a part of me too. With so much gone so quickly, recovery feels unreachable. I don't like losing so much-or any of it for that matter.

I dream of him every night. You'd think after 3 weeks my mind could be a bit more creative. But it's his face that occupies my mind night after night. I find myself waking up at 4 or 5 in the morning, unable to fall back asleep, pondering the face I'd just seen. Holding on to the dream as long as possible. Most of the time, they are happy dreams. A glimpse of us pre break-up. Other times, the problems we had during the relationship make their way to my head, turning dreams to nightmares. These nights are the hardest ones. I awake with a start and a stomach that feels like it just got punched. A strange realization that I cant call him and make it all better. It was, after all, just a dream.

It's the simple things that make me hurt. Finding his shirt in my laundry basket, hearing his name innocently mentioned, having 0 messages in my inbox, seeing a red car, even watching other couples happily showing their PDA. Funny how these things can leave me empty and broken. The smallest things make such an impact.

I never imagined I would feel this way. lost and alone. confused and empty. I had it on my mind that I would be fine. Boy, was I wrong. I can't get the image of looking into his eyes out of my head. It seems so unreal.

Are we just supposed to avoid each other, pretend our lives weren't woven together for 9 months? Awkwardly cringe and say hello when we bump into each other? Is he just going to become a stranger, the guy that I know so well? It just doesn't seem right. I want to know his aspirations and fears, hear his thoughts and questions. Unrealistic, I know. It just doesn't seem right without him. It's like that song by the Fray "how to save a life"

Step one you say we need to talk

He walks you say sit down it's just a talk

He smiles politely back at you

You stare politely right on through

Some sort of window to your right

As he goes left and you stay right

Between the lines of fear and blame

You begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best

Cause after all you do know best

Try to slip past his defense

Without granting innocence

Lay down a list of what is wrong

The things you've told him all along

And pray to God he hears you

And pray to God he hears you

CHORUS:

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice

You lower yours and grant him one last choice

Drive until you lose the road

Or break with the ones you've followed

He will do one of two things

He will admit to everything

Or he'll say he's just not the same

And you'll begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

CHORUS:

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

How to save a life

CHORUS:

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

CHORUS:

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

Here's to another journey of my crazy college career. Getting over my first college boyfriend.

It REALLY is the way I wanna live.

My entire life I have always been a busy girl. If I'm not doing anything, I just feel worthless, useless, and unneeded, which often leads me to feeling depressed and sad. Throughout high school, I joined every club that remotely interested me. I tried to stay as busy as possible. I was president of numerous clubs, played high school sports, and was a social butterfly. I was so busy, I came home every night at around 9pm because I had so many meetings, competitions, etc.

When I came to college, I really didn't know what to do. I had so much down time that I felt restless and unsure about my life (my first post).

I don't know why I feel the need to make my life busy and hectic....but it's just what I've ALWAYS known. I find comfort in having a crazy, hectic life.

And now that I'm busy as ever, something strange has happened. I finally feel like my life is exactly how I want it. i want it busy. I want to feel important. I want to have a "to do" list four pages long. I finally feel like my life is normal again, something I have been searching for since I started college.

And maybe I took it a little far, but hey, this is what I like...don't ask me why.

I finally have a job! One that I absolutely LOVE! I work at a gym about 25 hours a week. I'm taking 15 credits. I just got elected as Vice President Fraternity Development in my sorority and on the assembly for student government.

The truth is, I'm pretty stressed out about my life right now. Initiation for our spring pledge class is in two weeks-and I'm in charge of planning the entire thing. Luckily I have an AMAZING committee. But to be honest, being stressed just feels NORMAL and RIGHT. (yeah, I totally sound like a crazy person here) but it's true. I can't remember my life ever being calm and unstressful...except at the start of college.

It's just how I like my life to be. It's how I feel worthwhile and like I'm making a difference. Because in the end, that's all I ever look for. I look to make a difference in the lives of others. I look to make the lives of others just a little bit better. My peers. My sorority sisters. My family. My friends. They've done so much for me and I care so much about each of them-it's really the least I can do.

Plus, I enjoy it all. The planning, the problem solving, the creativity, the STRESS.

Loving Life <3

I'm back to normal-ness. Which is good.

All I ever want to be is happy. Scott's the best at comforting me. Something he said really stuck with me, "without sadness the happy moments wouldn't mean anything" And that really got me to thinking. Maybe we do get down and depressed so that we are able to be happy. So when we ARE happy, we don't take it for granted. We appreciate it. We hold on to it tight.

I'm glad my phase of sadness is over. Like I said, I have so much to be happy about. I'm so blessed and fortunate.

This weekend was a big help. I went out with my Pi Phi pledge class and it was so fun. I forget how happy those girls can make me. They are all so much fun. I'm making it my goal to hang out with them more. After all, my sisters are always going to be there. And they proved it this weekend, seriously! I don't know what I would do without them.

So, I'm back to loving life.

and it feels so good.

The phase is still playing.....

I read this quote:

"sad eyes never lie"

If you looked in my eyes lately, this quote would be screaming into your head.

The mood is still there, consuming me. I thought it would leave, as it often does. But this time this horrible, awful mood decided to stay a little longer. My stomach hurts constantly, tears come easily, everything seems a bit sadder then it should, and I don't smile like I used to.

Gosh...what is WRONG with me?

The battle is raging inside my head...the one where my head is yelling at me to do one thing, but my heart is fully disagreeing, telling me to do the opposite.

I hate this feeling, yet I constantly put myself in the position to feel this way.

And I have no clue which side to choose. I have no idea which choice will bring me happiness, which choice will return light into my eyes, my life.

I just hope I figure it all out soon because I'm having a really hard time dealing with it now.

Logic vs. Emotion

I've been thinking about how genders process information a lot lately. I don't know why. I guess that college is just opening my eyes to how different boys and girls think.

So I'm aware that I'm about to state the obvious...but it's just something that I have personally noticed lately. I guess a "duh" moment caught in action.

Boys tend to use logic

Girls tend to use emotions

But, I'm starting to wonder..is it that cut and dry? Isn't there some sort of perfect combination that we can all just use. Some combination that will make us all understand each other better? To be honest, I am constantly wondering how guys get to the conclusions they do. It often takes me deep thinking before I say to myself, WOW...really? Is THAT why he thinks that? And more times then most, it's the simple mindset that takes me there. It's logical thinking.

Us girls are a bit more complicated. We don't think so simply, we analyze details. We dissect every bit of dialect, body language, etc. we can. We use every emotion in the book.

All this thinking brought me to one question, is it smarter to follow your heart or your head? When your head is screaming one thing, but your heart just can't seem to agree, which one do we choose?

It's a question that will never be answered.

Take, for example abusive relationships. I guess I got to thinking of this because of the recent Chris Brown and Rhianna (for those of you who don't know, Chris beat up Rhianna pretty bad recently, it's all over the news) I'm sure Rhianna was thinking, "I HAVE to get out of this. This is NOT healthy." Yet, her heart was screaming, "I love Chris Brown" Of course, this is a dramatic example. Everyone knows that the head would be the smart choice to follow, but it just shows how hard that is to do.

I'm not only talking about relationships. It's school. It's careers. It's friendships. It's life. If you have the choice between two majors or two jobs, do we tend to follow our hearts or our head? Do we chose the job/major that we KNOW we will enjoy, or the one we can see will logically take us where we want to be in the future? 

Sometimes, my mind will be screaming anger. My heart...that's another story. 

Other times, it's a big jolt that I need to bring me back to sanity. It's a huge realization that brings me out of my perfect fantasy world and back into reality.  Back to the real life. Back to the logical side of things. Away from the emotions. Away from the daydreaming and wishes. 

The perfect solution would be to combine emotions and logic. To mesh the male brain with the female brain. Every decision you made would be the right one, the perfect one. It would consider both emotions and logic.

Maybe we should all just try and look at the other perspective. If I caught myself every time my thoughts were emotion-based and thought of them logically, I think I could avoid a lot of fights, miscommunication, and dumb-not thought out-decisions I have made. 

I'm gonna try to have a giroy brain. Girl-boy Brian that is. 

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The Twenty-Five.

I caved....here are the 25 random facts about me..

1. I'm the the youngest in my family and love every second of it

2. I've riden horses since I was 8 and miss it everyday. My first horse was Lady. She was an ex barrel racer with so much spark. When I was 8, I was scared of her. I feared going fast. S0, I switched my then step-brother David, who took Lady as his horse and I had Sammy. Sammy was a great show horse and we always did fairly well in shows, but never won. As I got older, I grew out of Sammy and found Chocolate. Chocolate is the perfect horse-the type I had wished for since I started riding. She was tall and beautiful. At this time, I started jumping Lady and grew out of my fear of going fast and began to barrel race her. I won numerous shows with both Chocolate and Lady at the county and state level. My horse back riding experience is one that I will cherish until I die, and if the time comes when I have children, they will grow up with horses too. There is just something about having horses that matures you and gives you a love of the beauty created around you.

3. I have always been intrigued with the human body. When I was a junior in high school I was even given the amazing experience of going to a cadaver lab-one of the most interesting and exciting things I've ever done.

4. Student Council was my life in high school.

5. I lose one earring of every pair I own. Which results in me never having earrings that match :/

6. The summers growing up, my cousin AJ would stay with me. They were the best memories I have of growing up. She would help me at the fair with my horse, we would "work" for my mom, and make friendships that have lasted forever. I never stopped laughing once when we were together.

7. My brother and I became close when I was in 8th grade and he was a senior in high school. From that moment on, he would become one of the most influential people in my life and to this day is one of my best friends.

8. In 5th grade I won a writing contest. Which encouraged me to keep writing...since then writing has saved my life. It's my way of expressing my thoughts.

9. I started to play golf as a freshmen in high school. I had no idea how to swing a club when I tried out. By the end of the season, I was shooting 90 and by sophomore year I was playing #2 in tournaments

10. I'm a daddy's girl

11. I'm also a mommy's girl

12. Reading is a passion of mine. My favorite book is This Lullaby by Sarah Dessen. If you want to understand my life, this is how you do it.

13. I wanted to go to ASU, more then anything in the world. I never got the scholarship I thought I would.

14. I always wished that I played softball in high school.

15. I miss my Colorado friends everyday

16. When I was 14, me and my friend Brittany took a joy ride in my mom's BMW when it was snowing. We slid off the road and had to push the car back on the road. We were never caught.

17. I'm studying marketing because I loved DECA so much. I was a state officer and never experienced something so rewarding and tough. In competition me and Trevor took 1st in Sports and Entertainment Marketing. I never experienced such joy from solving problems.

18. I call myself a feminist

19. Flowers are my favorite. They make me so happy.

20. The number 7 is my unlucky number because 7th grade was absolute hell for me.

21. 4-H club introduced me to my love of leadership and competition. Without that experience I wouldn't be the same person I am today.

22. I've always wanted green eyes. I like unique things. How many blondes do you know that have green eyes?

23. I love to snow and water ski...it's a passion I have.

24. In elementary school I was in the talented and gifted program. My teacher always said, "you need a book not a boy" and I continually think how wise she was...education first...even though it's a hard concept for me to follow.

25. I would rather be around people then be alone.

My outlet.

Music is my outlet.

Sad.

Happy.

Pissed off.

Upset.

Tired.

Confused.

Broken Hearted.

There is a song about every feeling, every situation. It makes me feel not so alone like what I'm feeling and what I'm going through is not so unusual. I guess when you have some feelings you feel like you are being targeted-like no one can even compare to the way you are feeling at the moment.

Music is the way that I am continually proven wrong.

Now, I admit I have an unusual taste in music. I like everything from hip hop to country. The music I like comes with meaning. It comes with lyrics that are truthful and honest. Lyrics that make me feel vulnerable. I guess that's why I don't have a certain type. I just look for depth. For music that can heal me-music that can make me feel understood.

Music is not only an outlet-it's a best friend. When I need to vent-I put on my favorite hate song.(Seventy Times Seventy- Brand New) Confused? Meredith Brooks B*tch is on. When I'm feeling good about a boy...or remembering the good times I had with one? Konstintine by Something Corporate. When I have tears streaming down my face-I put on an artist that understands my pain-an artist that isn't afraid to voice the hurt they are feeling. (Usually Kelly Clarkson Because of You)

I guess this is how I bottle things up. I'm not really holding all my feelings inside-I'm just expressing it in a different way. I don't go and tell everyone what is going on, I tell my i-pod. I tell the song that gets how I feel and understands why I don't want to express the words out loud.

I'm so thankful for music.

My outlet.

My best friend.